[ Shoving another cake at the Doctor and confiscating his device for the moment, Obi-Wan stood up and walked away from the table with his own device. He navigated his way to a small corner of the pub where it was a little more quiet, but he could keep an eye on the Doctor.
If the Jedi had his druthers, he'd have left the pub and gone to find Clara in person. But that was not a practical option at the moment, so next best thing. Calling. In voice, person. Not OMG text!
Whether she picked up or he got her voicemail, Obi-Wan took a deep breath to ready himself and just started to talk before he lost his own nerve. ]
Clara.
First and most importantly I want to apologize that you learned of this decision in such an impersonal manner. I know ... I know now how important you and he are to one another; that you are friends. [ His voice is careful in pitch and tone to try to assure her that he doesn't know everything. Just enough to know that they are of the same world. That they are close. ]
As you know I also have close friends here from my own world. I cannot and will not speak for him, but perhaps this might help.
I made my own conscious decision not to tether with my friends, or even any of the people from my world. It has caused some confusion and I know that in at least one case, my decision was not understood and I fear it came across as hurtful. Hurting Ezra was never my intention and I believe in my heart that he (the Doctor) doesn't mean to hurt you either.
In my case it comes from a place of trying to protect these people I care about. The memories, the experiences, the nightmares these are things I would give my life to ensure such horrors never touch them in their lifetimes.
[ Which sounds very altruistic, and it does come from a place of genuine altruism. He believes this is the case with the Doctor. It is this next part that is harder to admit; again ... he expects this is the case for both of them. It is less altruistic, and is a little cowardly.
Taking a deep breath, eyes still on the Doctor -get away from Leia's cake you!- he continues in a softer voice. ]
But I am also afraid, Clara. I struggle with a great deal of guilt associated with the failures that caused those memories; those nightmares. I am trying, with each passing day to learn how to live with those failures without allowing the fear born of them to dictate my life, but it is a process. Some days, some hours, some minutes I feel the veil between what I can survive, and what feels as if it will overwhelm me become gossamer thin.
In those moments, when I am hanging on to the edge of an abyss by my bare fingernails, it is only the thought of those I care so deeply for, that keeps me in place. The thought of getting to see them in the next hour, the next day, to joy they bring to my life, they are each a beloved candle, burning brightly in the middle of a very dark place.
The fear, the terror of the thought of those people knowing everything ...
[ Pausing Obi-Wan looked down at his boots and took a deep breath. Yoda's voice was echoing in his head, fear the path to the Dark Side. One of the reasons why Obi-Wan did not openly discuss the emotions he struggled with, why he took them off into the jungle and spent hours meditating his way through the emotions, even if only to grant himself a brief reprieve.
He hated strongly disliked this whole tether business with a passion. Not personally towards the Doctor, just the necessity of it and the tangled web of emotions it was dragging out into the light. Emotions that still felt too raw.
But, with another deep breath, he continued.]
None of this is fair, to you or to them, but if I can ask you for anything; please let it be grace. Grace for him, and grace for myself as we try to overcome our fears.
[ He is going to disconnect his device at this point. He doesn't do it to be cowardly, but so as not to trap her into feeling she needs to respond immediately to him. Inwardly, he hopes that she'll hear his words and reach out to the Doctor.
To that end, he comes back to the table and drops the device in front of the Time Lord, before taking his seat and reaching for his now cold tea.]
Private - Audio
If the Jedi had his druthers, he'd have left the pub and gone to find Clara in person. But that was not a practical option at the moment, so next best thing. Calling. In voice, person. Not OMG text!
Whether she picked up or he got her voicemail, Obi-Wan took a deep breath to ready himself and just started to talk before he lost his own nerve. ]
Clara.
First and most importantly I want to apologize that you learned of this decision in such an impersonal manner. I know ... I know now how important you and he are to one another; that you are friends. [ His voice is careful in pitch and tone to try to assure her that he doesn't know everything. Just enough to know that they are of the same world. That they are close. ]
As you know I also have close friends here from my own world. I cannot and will not speak for him, but perhaps this might help.
I made my own conscious decision not to tether with my friends, or even any of the people from my world. It has caused some confusion and I know that in at least one case, my decision was not understood and I fear it came across as hurtful. Hurting Ezra was never my intention and I believe in my heart that he (the Doctor) doesn't mean to hurt you either.
In my case it comes from a place of trying to protect these people I care about. The memories, the experiences, the nightmares these are things I would give my life to ensure such horrors never touch them in their lifetimes.
[ Which sounds very altruistic, and it does come from a place of genuine altruism. He believes this is the case with the Doctor. It is this next part that is harder to admit; again ... he expects this is the case for both of them. It is less altruistic, and is a little cowardly.
Taking a deep breath, eyes still on the Doctor -get away from Leia's cake you!- he continues in a softer voice. ]
But I am also afraid, Clara. I struggle with a great deal of guilt associated with the failures that caused those memories; those nightmares. I am trying, with each passing day to learn how to live with those failures without allowing the fear born of them to dictate my life, but it is a process. Some days, some hours, some minutes I feel the veil between what I can survive, and what feels as if it will overwhelm me become gossamer thin.
In those moments, when I am hanging on to the edge of an abyss by my bare fingernails, it is only the thought of those I care so deeply for, that keeps me in place. The thought of getting to see them in the next hour, the next day, to joy they bring to my life, they are each a beloved candle, burning brightly in the middle of a very dark place.
The fear, the terror of the thought of those people knowing everything ...
[ Pausing Obi-Wan looked down at his boots and took a deep breath. Yoda's voice was echoing in his head, fear the path to the Dark Side. One of the reasons why Obi-Wan did not openly discuss the emotions he struggled with, why he took them off into the jungle and spent hours meditating his way through the emotions, even if only to grant himself a brief reprieve.
He
hatedstrongly disliked this whole tether business with a passion. Not personally towards the Doctor, just the necessity of it and the tangled web of emotions it was dragging out into the light. Emotions that still felt too raw.But, with another deep breath, he continued.]
None of this is fair, to you or to them, but if I can ask you for anything; please let it be grace. Grace for him, and grace for myself as we try to overcome our fears.
[ He is going to disconnect his device at this point. He doesn't do it to be cowardly, but so as not to trap her into feeling she needs to respond immediately to him. Inwardly, he hopes that she'll hear his words and reach out to the Doctor.
To that end, he comes back to the table and drops the device in front of the Time Lord, before taking his seat and reaching for his now cold tea.]